Tag: Marriage

The Marriage Commitment

“I promise to love you…through all of life’s hills and valleys.”

Marriage is NOT a relationship between competitors or combatants.  Marriage is a love relationship built upon mutual honesty, trust, and understanding.  Christian Marriage presupposes that both of you are mature believers who believe it is God’s will for you to live and love together until death separates you.

Being happily married is never easy and contrary to popular opinion, happy marriages are not made in heaven.  While the Lord will help you, you are the ones responsible for making your marriage happy…

Wedding days are glorious, wonderful, hectic, and crazy days.  All of us get caught up in the beauty and majesty of the ceremony and the events that follow.  Wedding days possess an energy all their own, but the marriage, the living together (as the fairy tales say) “happily ever after,” that takes some doing.  It will take perseverance, learning how to live together, how to love each other through adversity, how to be transparent, how to forgive, and how to understand the complexity of another person’s motives or meanings.

Realistic marriage means learning how to listen, how to fight fair, how to see yourself through another’s eyes, and how to speak from your heart words like:

            “I’m sorry; please forgive me; I was wrong; I love you.”

Marriage is hard work…[so] … roll up your spiritual sleeves, and set yourselves to work.  In the process, remember, God will be with you.

– Wedding vows excerpt, © Bishop Gideon A.Thompson

XYZ Technique

Formula for Success: The XYZ Statement

• Developed by PREP, the XYZ Statement is a simple formula that will have a powerful effect on your relationships.  It’s a great way to ask for what you want and to encourage others to change because it includes information that can be implemented.
• To communicate effectively, just follow this guideline the next time you want to express appreciation or share a concern:

When you did X,

• Describe the specific behavior. What was the one thing he/she did?
• (This implies change can happen.)

In situation Y,

• Describe the specific situation or circumstances.
• (It’s not everything that is a problem.)

I felt Z.

• Tell how you felt or were affected.
• (Own your reaction.)

Good Examples of XYZ Statements

• When you made dinner (X) today (Y), I felt really special (Z).
• When you ignored me (X) last night (Y), I felt hurt and disappointed (Z).
• Thanks for babysitting the kids (XY). I feel so pampered (Z).
• I felt so humiliated (Z) when you yelled at me (X) in front of your parents (Y).
• When you showed up 15 minutes late (X) for our appointment with the imam (Y), I was very embarrassed (Z).

Bad Examples of XYZ Statements

When you leave your dishes in the sink, I feel like you are a slob.

• Slob is not a feeling; it’s name-calling.  Instead of addressing the behavior that you dislike, you’re basically implying that it is part of their character and that they can’t change.
• Alternative: It bothers me when you leave your dishes in the sink without washing them.

You never listen to me when I talk.  You’re so inconsiderate.

• Don’t over generalize.  Using phrases such as “you always” or “you never” implies that the behavior happens 100% of the time, and that the issue is so big that it can never change.
• “You’re so inconsiderate” does not describe your emotions, and does not describe how you were affected. It focuses on the other person (rather than focusing on you) and is the assignment of a negative character attribute to the other person.  (Sometimes this is referred to as “character assasination.”)
• Alternative: When you watch TV while I’m talking, I don’t feel heard or understood.

When we went out to dinner today, I know you didn’t want to go anyways.

• Don’t assume you know what the other person is thinking or intending.  (No one can know with certainty what someone else is thinking or intending.) You fuel your own anger when you assume negative motives.
• Alternative: When you hesitated, I wasn’t so sure that you wanted to go.

In the bad examples above, the focus is placed on others instead of on ourselves, making it more likely that we will receive an angry and defensive reaction.  Let’s take responsibility and focus on ourselves first.

A Better Way

• Remember your earlier statements?  Change them now to XYZ Statements.  Do you see a difference between your XYZ statements and the earlier ones?  Is it easier to communicate?  Will the reactions be different?
• XYZ statements are more specific, and result in greater awareness about needs, wants, and desires.  They emphasize our experiences and feelings. 
• Most of us don’t like hearing something negative about ourselves, but XYZ Statements make it easier to raise concerns in a gentle, respectful, and honest way. 
• When we know how certain behaviors affect others, we are more motivated to change and more likely to accumulate positives than negatives! 
• Let’s work on increasing those positives!